World Famous In San Francisco

Donuts started off as a club night at The Knockout a little over a year ago with the idea to mix together vegan donuts, live bands, DJs, video and fashion into a poorly lit bar. Within months of starting, Donuts had a well-developed online presence and were mentioned in 7x7 and the SFB Guardian. Due to its hotness, Donuts got pregnant and gave birth to additional clubs like Donuts Disco and Sauerkraut. Donuts is curated by Kat Matutina (resident DJ Pickpocket) and visual artist/videographer Alison Childs. Without further adieu, here are the 6 reasons why I don't like Donuts:

DJ Pickpocket
Allison Childs
1. The promoters are prettier than you. How is a girl supposed to keep her self esteem in tact going out to a club where the promoters aren't some fugly worn-out-and-put-away-wet ex-hipster dude they can rely on sleeping with at the end of the night when they've had too many drinks and their friends have disappeared? I dunno about you, but when I go out to the club, I wanna be surrounded by REAL WOMEN who either look like Xena, Chyna or Mo'Nique. Not these two hot, too hot girls.

2. Party photographers won't take a picture of you. Married older brother types only wanna take pictures of mousey inde girls. Not your fine ass.

3. Vegan donuts guy is the only person who will talk to you. No really.

4. Forget about your band, you're never gonna play at Donuts. Donuts once referred to itself as the Part Time Punks (a long running weekly LA club night) of San Francisco... as if Part-Time Punks only booked bands from Olympia and people that have been popular for over five years. Forget about Donuts being a breeding ground for new musical talent, if you see a band at Donuts, chances are you've seen them before. To be honest, Donuts looks more like a mini Popscene in it's booking of safe, established bands.

5. So straight you might as well be in Daly City. I even attended their one year anniversary that looked sorta gay with hey willpower playing and all. Now I don't necessarily want a room full of queens, but I want to at least feel like I'm in the presence of gaze.

6. Not sure of their motivations. Venture capitalists are pretty easy to figure out. When I asked the door guy how the money was split, he said all the money went to the bands. I kind of believed him. So if these promoters aren't in it for the money, you'd think they'd be in it for the art right? Well... maybe. The only artists I see getting a break from Donuts are the fashion designers... who don't have any other nightlife I'm aware of to showcase their talent in. It's pretty apparent that Donuts is not trying to nurture any scene or break any new visual/musical artist. They'd be a little more curious and adventurous in their booking if that were the case. I suspect their motivation is personal popularity. I feel like an asshole for mentioning that suspicion. I'd love to be proven wrong.

The next big Donuts party:

I just saw a poster for donuts disco today... there's like, 23,000 different donuts nights aren't there? Is it really necessary? Let somebody else throw a club, don't be so greedy! Myles was asking what was going on on NYE and I just realized -- Donuts probably. The best part is is that I was just being a jerk when I wrote that, but I just went to their myspace and its true!

Anyway, Donuts is alright kinda. No hurt feelings, ok? I'm just stressed out because of the holidays. For those of you still in town this Sunday, Safety Scissors is djing at Donuts again (what dude, are you like resident now?) and he's always a fun time. Go check him out! Ask him to bust out his two copies of "I think we're alone now" by Tiffany. He really wants to be known for being the DJ who runs tricks with that song. Seriously!

One last thing. I've been trying to keep this to myself but I just can't. No matter what the kids in the mission and at ritual say,those vegan donuts aren't that great. And don't say I think that because I'm not vegan!